WEDNESDAY'S HUM ( 4-19-06 )

NIGHT TRAIN BLUES
Bad HUM coming out of Colchester. Residents report trains passing through between 11 p.m. and midnight, with whistles shrieking and horns blasting. Is it okay for trains to blare 2 zillion decibel horns and shake houses at midnight but not okay for Joe Sixpack to yell and play loud Bon Jovi ? Stay tuned while we look into this.

DEPRESSED SECRETARY
AP reports White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stepping down due to ...well, he's sick of taking shit from weaselbag reporters. Replacement? We nominate either Bill Clinton or the Green Mountain Power press release person. Your thoughts?

TABS ON THE HABS
Montreal Canadiens taking on Carolina Hurricanes in first round of playoffs. Partly because of inconsistent Hurricane goalkeeping, we predict the Habs will take the series in 5.

BREAKING NEWS - WINOOSKI ROUNDABOUT
F-16s scrambled to the Winooski roundabout to rescue a cute little old lady who had been circling for days. Sources say the cutie pie entered the roundabout on Monday afternoon and kept going 'round and 'round. She is reported to be moderately dehydrated but doing swell, albeit a little dizzy.

FIVE CORNERS UPDATE
Was able to polish an entire set of Gunucci silverware at the Essex Junction Five Corners Light this morning.
Was not able to sort them back in the tray 'cuz the stupid light changed, which irked me. You know, sometimes the Essex Junction Five Corners Light changes too quickly!